[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”