[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is