Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate


Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.


Beer keg at party
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party


The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.


Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.


Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.


You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”


Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.


someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom