Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten
Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me
Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Beer keg at party
-there are better ways to drink beer
The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order
I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom