Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.