@skickwriter

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

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@mtobey

“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”

@Mistyears

aye brο whο tf created math and how we know he right????

@susie_qsie

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

@daemonic3

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

@Xoolun

My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house.

My wife was furious.

@BassoonJokes

u?op ?p?sdn p?u?n?-p?dd??? ?ob ???? ??
?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou

@kurteichenwald

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.