Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
it must be school picture day
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!