I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.