Sex so good you see dead people.

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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.


Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.


Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd


Oh I’m definitely a cat person

*lays on the couch and glares at you until you feed me


“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book


murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-



“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”


On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.


Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.