@Inferno_V

Sex so good you see dead people.

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@papasuncle

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

@Coastiefish

This guy says he rides a bike 20 miles a day, and then runs 5 miles a day too.

Yo bro, you gotta get a car.

@ThaJawn

(Kid’s Bday Party)

Kid: Who are you?

I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!

K: *puts cake down, runs away crying

*eats his cake

@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

@Audenary

Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.

(Pause)

Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@jazmasta

[hitting on hot babe in bar]
“.. You’re 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you’re not gonna believe this..”

@elle91

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

@zachheltzel

Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.