Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Sex so good you see dead people.
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what do you call a fish with no eyes?? fsh
This guy says he rides a bike 20 miles a day, and then runs 5 miles a day too.
Yo bro, you gotta get a car.
(Kid’s Bday Party)
Kid: Who are you?
I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!
K: *puts cake down, runs away crying
*eats his cake
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?
Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.
Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?
[hitting on hot babe in bar]
“.. You’re 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you’re not gonna believe this..”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.