Sex so good you see dead people.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.