[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
*picks up frog*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.