@ohmygrapeness

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

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@david8hughes

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

@SondraDeeMe

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@stevevsninjas

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

@ArfMeasures

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

@yoyoha

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

@wendchymes

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

@Amiigat

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.