@ohmygrapeness

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

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@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

@kelkulus

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

@PrettyInCamo11

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

@BCMontgo

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

@aotakeo

SAM: how much farther sir

FRODO: over a hundred pages buddy

@SortaBad

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

@NotthatAdamWest

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.