Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Breaking news:
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.