Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
#parenting
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita