kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
i think we should see other cousins
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
emergency phone