Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?

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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox


I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.


I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.


Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds


[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.


cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice


her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one


To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.


Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*


Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks