*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.