Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
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What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.