Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”


Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.


At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.


I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.


Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery


My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.



Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69


[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?


Baked turkey for 4 and a half days – instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!