@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

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@TheAlexNevil

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@hpb777

Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

@WalkingOutside

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@BradBroaddus

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@deardilettante

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

@iGreenMonk

Baked turkey for 4 and a half days – instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

#MyProblem