Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Many hands make light work
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.