sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
do u think theres a butter planet?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.