[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*