GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

You Might Also Like


*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall


Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken


To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.


Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.



“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes


The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.


“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”


me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*


Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude