@mynameisntdave

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

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@flashember

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

@obijawn

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

@JohnLyonTweets

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

@daemonic3

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

@AmberDonn

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

@TheHatStore

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

@PoodleSnarf

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude