He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us


Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him


[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen


The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.


Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club


My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”


moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed


Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.


DATE: So how long have you lived here?

ME: *dramatically slams the menu on the table* I don’t live in the restaurant, Claudia


If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?