[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
oh my gosh!!
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂