@abbycohenwl

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

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@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@QwertyJones3

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

@internetluke

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

@willhallcomedy

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

@Jonesy_donkey

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

@Senor_LongDong

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

@robdelaney

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

@JermHimselfish

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

@Home_Halfway

DATE: So how long have you lived here?

ME: *dramatically slams the menu on the table* I don’t live in the restaurant, Claudia

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?