I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
*picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement*
how cool is thi ew why is it wet?
“dude, that’s a condom”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Things that are loud:
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?
Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.