[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
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*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
This is what makes twitter great
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target