[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
SF is the wild wild west man
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom