[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
So the ex texted me
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!