[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”