@Bownuggets

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@WilliamAder

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@CherBear162

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

@JenniferJokes

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

@thatUPSdude

You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

@WakeVII

Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 15 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a squirrel.

@KentWGraham

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.