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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not