“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.
*comes back dressed as Yoda*
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Its a close one
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot