[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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I’m sorry…what?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
brian had himself a morning…
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games