“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.
*comes back dressed as Yoda*
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Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.
before quarantine vs after quarantine
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief
I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.