@MartaEffing

[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*leaves*
*comes back dressed as Yoda*

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@alexblagg

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

@MartaEffing

Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
Me:
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.

@citizenkawala

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

@thcmoonmvn

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@daemonic3

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

@tastefactory

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

@Contwixt

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

@stayfrea_

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

@duplicitron

I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.