@MartaEffing

[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*leaves*
*comes back dressed as Yoda*

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@Reverend_Scott

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

@aimlessamers

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

@KrangTNelson

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

@_SetTheHook_

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

@MomOnFire

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

@TragicAllyHere

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot