Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.