Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
How all things should be taught/explained.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh