Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Life cycle of cat

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

#gardening

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.