Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.