[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]