[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.


My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.


8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…


There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.


Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”


It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds


Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long


6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you


*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?