[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of