Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler