shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL