shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

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I bet it’s tough being a police sketch artist in China.


Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?



Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!


Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes


Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.


I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed


Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.


The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.


I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”


20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.


At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?