The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.