shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.