Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.