Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them