Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*
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“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
If a dude is wearing cowboy clothes, is he ranch dressing?
All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake
[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it’s beauty]
*from behind me*
you know they named this after a website
Her: *opens menu*
Me: *eyes narrowing* wait-a-minute
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
-Canadian rap battle
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired
HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired
ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra