Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.