‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
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I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.