Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]