Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”