“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
X-tra spooky blend
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.