New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
$3 #books
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Good morning y’all ☀️
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.