@Poutymcgee

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!

*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

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@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

@KyleMcDowell86

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

@Dawn_M_

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

@RoosterMustache

“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*

@jessokfine

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

@mrtimlong

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@junejuly12

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

@rickolantern

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.