*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

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7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.


A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face


Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.


“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*


I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.


When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”


when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)


You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.


Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.