SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom