If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.