@kellysdf: Christmas cards are how old people say, "Hey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not!"

@MariyaAlexander: Why don't men ever think to do helpful catcalls like "YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK - CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!"

@WhiskeySoured: If you feel like you're going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.

@ericsshadow: [talking to son on the phone] "I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police" I'm sorry. We've been very busy with the holidays and all.

@MrGirlDad: I shaved my beard at my wife's request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.