@prufrockluvsong
@FredTaming [ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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@FredTaming 
@Rollinintheseat I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
@not_delicate Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.
Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’
@smithsara79 [trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
@Marlebean Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
@FU_TangClan Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
@Glorificus917 When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
@LuvPug Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
@NotthatAdamWest If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
@Reverend_Scott wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.