@prufrockluvsong

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

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@FredTaming

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

@not_delicate

Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.

Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’

@smithsara79

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

@Marlebean

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

@FU_TangClan

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

@Glorificus917

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

@LuvPug

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.