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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?


I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.


This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old


Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.


Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.


[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]


[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf


Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.


Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.


Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.