@prufrockluvsong

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

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@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

@krisv_723

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

@CheeseDaydreams

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@crocodilethumbs

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

@northcoastkevin

I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.

@Browtweaten

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@Shade510

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.