@prufrockluvsong

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

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@rachelle_mandik

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

@Havish_AF

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@IamJackBoot

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

@MomofTeen

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

@imdaintyaf

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@starringmichell

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

@Mikecanrant

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.