[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.
Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.