Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow