@DanKCharnley

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

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@manda_tee1

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

@ddsmidt

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

@TheHyyyype

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

@novicefather

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.

@myonlymizztake

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.