Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
According to math, I’m broke
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*