[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
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1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”