*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed