[shakes fist at other fist]
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.