*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Think I pulled my liver
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
socratic questions
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT